Fear of Flying

Flying has not really bothered me in the past. I'm not the biggest fans of take off's or landings, but they don't bother me much. And unless it's really bumpy, I tend to not mind flights at all. Other than being cramped and dry when I land. But it's not the flying, or fear of a plane crashing or anything like that. It's annoyance with the details that has always gotten to me.

Getting to the plane has always been the most stressful thing. Making sure I'm on time, that I haven't forgotten anything, that it all will work... I tend not to relax until I'm sitting at the gate. Now, there's a whole new bunch of stress with security concerns! Will they search my stuff? Pat down? Full Body scan? Did I accidentally pack a liquid? Did I pack too many? Is there something that might resemble something that might be something sharp? Did I separate all my electronics? Did I really need to carry them? Will I fit this stupid bag under my seat?

Flying is almost not worth it, between paying to actually have clothes when I land and having the clothes I'm wearing searched carefully. And the silly thing is, I'm not afraid of flying. I just hate the hassle of everything I go through before I'm actually allowed to fly.

Free Advice

Working at a children's hospital, even for a short time, I have picked up some pieces of wisdom that I'm not sure I would have otherwise thought relevant. So, I share some of that wisdom with you.

Here is some for free:
If someone you know is capable of hurting a certain type/group of people (e.g. women, or more specifically, you), then it is NOT safe to assume that they will NOT hurt another type/group of people (e.g. children, or more specifically, your child).

To sum up: if he will beat you, play it safe and assume he will beat your child.

Age is Relative

The other night I was paged to help a family in the NICU contact the dad of the baby, because Dad is overseas with the military. I was sitting with the baby's grandma when one of the doctors came out to talk. The doctor is a fellow here, is also a board certified pediatrician, and was talking about certain technology and how it had been used in her time here. She was talking as though she'd been here a while, and Grandma looked at her, and asked her about that. Grandma said "because you look like you're about 18!" The doctor replied "Well, thank you! Because I just turned 30, so that feels good to hear!"

As she said that, I thought, yeah, that is good to hear. I usually hate it when people comment on how young I look. But since turning 30 I've realized, I don't mind it as much. I remember that whenever I've complained about being told I look so young, people would say "Well one day you'll like that people think you look young!" Maybe 30 is that magic age.

Repent! Slow Down!

Chaplains at Norton Healthcare take turns writing devotions for the intranet portal website. I think Norton is thought of as a secular hospital system, but it came out of a variety of faith heritages, including Episcopal, Methodist, and Presbyterian. When we provide pastoral care to staff, we need to be sensitive to a variety of cultures and religions. But in some instances we are able to share explicitly out of our own faith heritage. The web devotions fall under this category, because staff only read it if they choose to follow the link. I was asked to do a devotion for the second week of Advent, and I wanted to share it here as well.

Repent, Slow Down
Chaplain Jeremy Garbat-Welch, M.Div.
Norton Healthcare

Matthew 3:1-2 In those days John the Baptist appeared in the wilderness of Judea, proclaiming, "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near."

The holiday season is one of the busiest times of the year. My family plans Thanksgiving for weeks, figuring out whose house we will gather at, who will bring what food, when it will be, how to time all the food. Then the day arrives, we have a great time, and suddenly Christmas is upon us! Planning gifts, braving the malls and stores, traveling, cooking, decorating. And then there are church activities like singing carols and special holiday services. I don’t know about you, but sometimes by the time Christmas actually arrives I’m so stressed out and worn out that I wonder why we do all of this!

That is part of why we have the Advent season. Advent gives us time to prepare for Christmas, not by cooking or decorating or planning, but by remembering. Advent helps remind us what Christmas is about: the birth of Jesus, the arrival of God in the form of a baby. In contrast to the rest of the holiday preparations, which always seem to involve a lot of running around and stress, Advent involves being still and reflecting on the gift of Jesus.

The second week of Advent focuses on John the Baptist, who called people to repent. Repenting is a necessary part of preparing to receive Jesus. Even for those of us who have celebrated many Christmases, each year we need to get ready to receive Jesus again. I think repentance can be a way of setting aside all of the things that might get in the way at this time of year. The ways we celebrate Christmas can be wonderful, but if they end up just causing stress or getting in the way of worshiping Jesus, then at times they may be doing more harm than good. This year, together, let’s remember to slow down and repent of all that stressful busyness. I hope you will join me in taking time throughout the season to take a few, slow, deep breaths and thank God for the gift of Jesus. Take time to share that gift with others by letting them know how much you love them and are thankful for them. After all, that is what Christmas is really about.

To My Children

I hope for restoration.
I dream of a perfect world.
For a place with no sadness.

A World Where
Parents do not share stories of their children's early deaths
Boards are not filled with pictures of the deceased
Candles are not lit in memory of those no longer with us
Families do not cry around hospital beds
And no one dies before they live.

When we meet there, you will say
"I'm glad you made it!"

When Death is dead
When Life is all that is left

No more tears of sadness
No moans of agony
No cries of lament
No more pain
No more loss.

When "why" is purely curious, and never means anything more:
Not a demand for justice
Not a demand for restoration
Not a cry from a broken heart.

When I make it there, I will say
"It's so good to meet you!"

Ironic

There is great irony in the fact that we never used oral contraceptives as birth control, until we started seeing infertility doctors. "Having problems getting pregnant? Here, have some birth control. That should help." I am still trying to figure out how this happened.

I also see great irony in the USA governmental leaders not wanting to let tax breaks to the wealthy expire (because that would be the same as raising taxes, and they all get voted on platforms of not raising taxes), even though renewing the tax breaks will result in greater national debt in the long rung. Simultaneously they don't want to extend unemployment benefits in our lagging economic times because that would result in greater national debt... Personally I see an easy fix: let the tax breaks expire to those who make more than $250,000 a year, and extend the unemployment benefits!

New Names for Food

On Facebook a friend just posted a picture of "brownies." His caption suggested that we come up with a new name for them, perhaps "A pretension chew." Why? Because these brownies had a sign advertising the following: "Gluten Free * Vegan * Cholesterol Free" then in smaller print "Wheat Free * Egg Free * Dairy Free * Nut Free" And this was called a "Chocolate Chunk Brownie." Not sure how, since most ingredients I know of in chocolate chunk brownies are eliminated there.

That advertising is clearly redundant. Gluten free means there will be no wheat, and Vegan means there will be no eggs, or diary. And I don't want to call it a pretension chew, because I know that as trendy as this may be there also could be good reasons for it. Some people do have serious allergies or reactions to the common ingredients in brownies, and it would be nice for them to have a tasty dessert. But do we have to call it a brownie?

I wonder about this when I see "alternative food" products. Veggie burgers; tofurkey; vegan bacon; vegan cheese; soy milk. Some of those, I can handle. Milk, while normally dairy, is a term used for many things that are not dairy; take coconut milk, for instance. But vegan bacon? This is a violation of nature: bacon is pork, which is not vegan! How can it be vegan bacon?? And while we eat some bean burgers that I absolutely love, they represent burgers only in the manner of how I eat them, namely with a bun and certain combinations of condiments. But they do little to solve my hankering for a burger, since there is no beef in them.

Some "food alternatives" I love. But since I still will eat the the things they are trying to replace, I do not see the point in trying to trick my mind into thinking they are something which they are not. Can we come up with new names for them? Can brownies which have none of the traditional ingredients please be called something else?

Good Unhealthy Food

Today Luta and I were out doing doctors appointments, so we took the day off to handle the stress. In between appointments we went to lunch at a restaurant we had not tried before: Wild Eggs. Mostly breakfast food, but also with sandwiches and alcoholic drinks! Kind of interesting to walk into a place that give the impression of being a diner, mostly serves breakfast/brunch/lunch food, and have a drink menu put down that includes blended drinks and spiked coffee! The food was awesome. So many good choices on the menu, and when we got ours I concluded that the ingredients must be awesome. The mushrooms had a strong flavor, which is rare with store mushrooms or anything out of a can! The food was excellent.

While eating it, I realized that I was also fairly certain that the food was unhealthy! The "Everything Muffin" tasted incredibly fluffy and buttery, similar to a dinner roll only much better. Luta's pancakes (a new item that is not on the online menu) had a similar light buttery taste to them, and I'm sure the toppings were loaded up with sugar (lemon, raspberry, and sugar. How can you go wrong??). Of course, all of that added to how awesome the food is, so please realize I am not complaining in the slightest.

However I am also saying that eating good food does not mean eating healthy! The two do not have to be synonymous. When people see what I eat (often what might be termed local, or organic, or slow, food) they conclude that I must be eating healthy, because of the type of food I am choosing to eat. To a degree, they are right: generally low sodium and low sugar, and we don't use a ton of fat either. And we try to avoid preservatives and eat fresh ingredients. But it is wrong to conclude that I never eat desserts, or that I eat in a healthy way. I have no idea where the ingredients came from before they turned into my food at Wild Eggs, but even if they are local and organic and seasonal, I really don't want to know how many calories were in our meals because I'm sure it is too much! Would that stop me from going back there? Not in the slightest.

I try to be healthy. But "good food" is only the start. Eating that food in a good way is the next step.

Energy Deprived

Recently I drastically cut back on my coffee intake. My daily caffeinated drink input now consists of a large cup of tea in the morning, at most. I did suffer the withdrawal headaches, and felt tired for a while. But now I’ve found that even though I do feel tired, I also have an easier time pulling through it and not yawning and being on the verge of falling asleep all the time. It seems, while tired, I have more energy.

It got me thinking about the “5 Hour Energy” shot drinks (which I think generally taste rather unpleasant). They are mostly caffeine and B vitamins, so they supposedly give the boost of energy drinks without all the volume and sugar. Nice, small, low calorie thing. The advertisements like to use the slogan “What is your 2:30 feeling like?” I guess that’s when most people must crash, though I think I cash more around “Right after lunch.” One actors responds “My whole day is a 2:30 feeling.”

Now, I know that sleep can be hard to get. I have been wanting to get more sleep for a long time now, and it has not happened. And some jobs and lifestyles, like being on call at a hospital, certainly make even the best of plans fall apart. But more, or better, sleep certainly goes a long way towards giving me more energy. So does exercise. And I don’t feel jittery or buzzed or caffeinated or suffer headaches if I get off the schedule. But hey, that takes work! Why work when you can pound energy shots?

I found The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss, a great new fantasy novel. And I have started reading it to Luta at night. This will be a long endeavor, but it has also gotten us to bed earlier. After all, waiting until 11pm to read a book just wouldn’t work well, as we’d be too ready to pass out. So we’ve been getting to bed earlier, and actually unwinding a bit before attempting to meet with sleep. This has shown us both how tired and sleep deprived we actually are, but we have also felt more energized during the day. Works much better than a blast of chemical energy, I think.

Movie: Inception

This discussion is not intended to be a detailed review of the movie, but it is a discussion of themes and events in the movie. So I expect it to be a spoiler for anyone who hasn’t seen the movie. If this is a concern for you, I suggest you stop reading here.

I finally saw Inception! It was one of the few movies I really wanted to see this summer, but we never made it. A cheap second-run theater in town had it, so Luta and I went last weekend and finally saw it. The biggest frustration were the people talking to the movie, or in one case about their phone that went off during the movie. But the movie itself was awesome. Totally love it! It’s not as twisty and shocking as some other Christopher Nolan films (like Memento or The Prestige), but I still found it to be challenging. Once again Nolan raises questions of reality, and how do we know what is real? And the whole exploration of dreams and how things impact our dreams, and how we can be in a dream and only kinda know it… Well, I loved it.

But there was an element of the film that I had seen nowhere in trailers. The trailers mention dreams, and stealing secrets, but that’s not what inception is. Stealing an idea is extraction; inception is planting an idea in someone’s mind. Which of course can’t be done, so of course the “hero” of the film claims it can be. So the whole movie is about planting an idea, not stealing one. And the idea hinges upon what I believe to be a key human drive: the desire for reconciliation. Their target has a rough relationship with his father, and so in order to convince the target to break up the company upon his father's death, they plant the idea that his father wanted him to split up the empire so that he could have a chance to build his own. The target tells us that the last word he heard his father say was "disappointed." He mourns his father, believing that despite all he has done his father was disappointed in him. However by the end of the dream layers, his subconscious alters that to being "Dad was disappointed that I tried to be like him, rather than being my own person. Dad was disappointed that I felt forced to be like him, so he wants me to have the chance to succeed and be my own person and not live under his shadow." It is a very powerful moment, when he is reconciled to his father. And as he comes back up the dream layers it sticks in his subconscious.

The desire to reconcile is indeed strong. Not strong enough to convince everyone to do it, but I do suspect that on some level that's what all people want. This should not come as a surprise to Christians. After all, the main thrust of the Bible is that God desired reconciliation with humanity so much, that God was willing to sacrifice God's only Son to make reconciliation possible. It should therefore come as no surprise that we, as God's creation made in God's image, desire reconciliation as well.

Election Day Nostalgia

We went and voted today! When we lived in Wilmore, we voted in the fire station, so we were in a big open garage and voted on nice, modern, electronic machines. Here we were in the fellowship hall of a church, and had to bubble in the sheets like we were doing Scantron tests. And like with Scantron’s, there was the risk of error! At least the ballot reader machine caught one, so it could be re-done… But that’s someone else’s story.

While I was waiting I saw that some of the voters were women, with small children in tow. And I remember that when I was a little kid Mom took me to the voting booth once! Instead of tiny tables with tall walls, I recall her having a booth with a curtain. And I didn’t really know what was going on, but she said she’d only be a minute. And I remember looking around, like these kids were, wondering what this was all about!

Now I get to vote, and I still wonder what it’s all about!

If you’re in the USA, I hope you had a good Election Day.

Leaves

It’s a windy fall day, and I can see some trees getting blown around outside my window. I was watching, and saw leaves flying upwards! I’m used to thinking of leaves falling off of trees, littering the ground. And I used to think that the leaves hung on as long as they could, before finally losing their grip and fluttering to the ground, separated from their kin and the tree that nurtured them. This morning, a new thought came to mind as I watched the leaves blow off the trees and fly up into the sky.

What if they weren’t losing their grip and being blown off the tree against their will? What if they were letting go, and riding the air currents with great excitement?

“I’m scared Sally!”

“Don’t be Bob! Watch this! WEEEEEEEE!!!!”

I’ve jumped off a few cliffs and bridges into water. There is always the moment where I’m on the edge, feeling the fear of heights and slipping and hurting at the bottom, and I wonder if I should really do this. But then I decide to let go and leap, and feel the rush of excitement as I plummet towards the water. And when I surface, I often think of doing it again.

Letting go can be scary, or sad, but it can also be exciting. It all depends on one’s perspective.

Mumps!

In CPE meetings today, I was paged. At 8:45, my personal pager went off. Since my personal pager almost never goes off, this was at first very surprising. I didn't recognize the number, but assumed it was probably another chaplain, because who else would know of me, and know to page me? And if it was a floor trying to get me, hopefully they would know to not wait long, and page the main chaplain pager. Because the chaplains should know that I was in meetings, I assumed they would figure it out.

After the meeting, an hour later, I learned my assumptions were very wrong! Employee health was trying to get a hold of me. I recently went to them for my first MMR shot, because they had determined that I was lacking immunity to the diseases that covers. It takes two shots, so I am still not immune. And it turns out that one of the patients I visited a week ago turns out to have mumps! (One of the M's stands for Mumps) So, Employee Health was all up in a tizzy, because had I worn a mask going in there? I had, so all is quiet once again. But I was wondering there for a bit, if I had somehow managed to doom my life, the life of the child, and the entire well-fare of the hospital!

Nope, no over reactions here!

Office Space!

Third week of the new residency, and I made a discovery: I have an office! I found this out by accident. Sitting in one of the tiny shared offices, another resident said "I'm going to my office for a bit." I said, with my laptop perched on my lap, "You get your own office?!?" "Yes," she replied, "Don't you? I thought the resident before you had one. No wonder you've been in here..."

Next day: I had a key to my office, the office no on had told me about! I commented on it to the other resident downtown, and saw on his face that this was news. "I thought they said you had an office, too." "Well, I haven't heard about it yet." Today: He has an office! We're all so thrilled.

And the lingering question remains, if all the chaplains knew we had offices and where they were, why didn't anyone actually think to tell us about them?? Ah well, the tree outside my window doesn't care. So, I will leave it at that.

Road-less Travel

In CPE today, during our group time, there were various sharings of feeling lost in life right now from various people. While listening, my eyes wandered onto the bookshelf across the room, looking at titles (bookshelves are often distractions). And in that wandering, I saw again a book title "The Road Less Traveled." And my mind played with that, and turned it into "Roadless Travel." That thought seemed fairly pertinent to the discussion at hand...

Roadless Travel sounds to me like something that could be thrilling, or very disorienting. On the thrilling theme, it sounds like trailblazing! Setting forth into an area where no one has created a road before, or even a path. Exploring new territory: having new experiences, meeting new people, all kinds of exciting ways to grow and expand one's world view. A great, thrilling, adventure! Roadless Travel, here we come!

On the disorienting theme, it sounds like wandering in a wilderness. Stuck in a hostile environment, wondering if I will get out in time before I die, and no road or sign or path or smoke signals or anything at all to indicate a way out. Nothing at all. Desperate for a road, we travel aimlessly. Possibly we travel in circles, making a 1 year journey turn into a 40 year journey. Possibly we give up, and become one of the many skeletons dotting the landscape of "The Farside" cartoons.

Roadless Travel, please save me from it!

Self-selected Traffic Controllers

Kentucky seems to have quite a few traffic controllers. And they all cruise around in normal looking vehicles, making sure that none of us have fun on the interstate. I saw someone doing this behind me today as I was merging onto I-64. If it was done in front of me, I might have gone around him just to show that he was daft. Fortunately, I wasn't tempted. But I have in the past (note to self: continue work on anger issues). So this isn't the first time I've seen this, but it stuns me every time.

The scenario works like this: traffic is backing up, especially around merges (I could ramble long and hard on the average Kentucky driver's destructive approach to merging). Some of us think that stopping in the right lane just because someone thought they should merge NOW into completely blocked traffic, instead of rolling forward until there was an opening, is a bad idea. So when that person has their car half into the left lane, we go around them, and find the nice open gaps they created for us. And discover that in front of them, traffic is moving just fine thank-you-very-much.

To sum up: some cars merge immediately, some cars merge later. And therein lays the frustration for the Self-selected Traffic Controller (STC), for he/she (though really, probably a he) cannot stand that some people are "cheating" by no merging immediately, but instead have the audacity to use the other 1500 feet of lane and fine a merge point later on. So what does he do? The STC executes a partial merge, and straddles the lane line. This way he has "merged" obediently, but also prevents others from going around him. If someone should attempt to go around him by using the shoulder, perhaps because they thought he was just really slow to move over and didn't want to wait, the STC may decide to actually remain in the right lane. This however doesn't lose his merge position, because the people in the left lane behind him don't move forward since he has already proven that 1) he is merging 2) he's a dangerous idiot.

To give them the benefit of the doubt, I will assume that STC's do this not only because they are idiots, or jerks, or... OK, benefit of the doubt: they do it because they think it will help traffic move faster. They believe that if we all merged right away and used only one lane (instead of two), it would be faster. Clearly they know little of volume flow, but I must grant that there are plenty of people who race up, then slam their brake, and back everything up on a merge (note previous comment on destructive merging habits). But what I've noticed is that STC's end up driving slower, because they have to dedicate so much attention to watching their review-mirror to make sure they can block the people trying to drive the speed-limit and not 20 miles under it. So instead of making things move faster, things move slower.

I love leaving STC's in my dust.

Poetry?

Synthetics carefully wrap my feet,
To protect them,
To help them,
To let me move with comfort and sureness.
I set forth, trusting my cozy shoes to keep my feet safe
As I pound the pavement in search of fitness.

Lungs are on fire.
Shins are screaming.
Muscles would be stiff if they could be.

Walking at last
The Synthetic is removed
And bare feet touch hard ground.

Unyielding concrete scratches,
Pebbles wound,
Stiff muscles make short steps.

The fire leaves my lungs.
My shins begin to prefer speech over screams.
My feet are unprotected, unsafe, shoe-less,
But happy.

Happy feet are bare.

Change is Coming!

The Bucket List

Today in CPE we watched and discussed the movie "The Bucket List." Pretty decent movie about facing death, and some of the hospital experience. In discussing it, our supervisor asked if we had a bucket list. I didn't really think I did, but realize there are some things I would like to do before I kick the bucket.

1) Visit six of the seven continents (the ones that are really populated) for at least a few days if not a total of a week or more. (So far: 3 out of 6)

2) Be in all 50 USA states, even if only driving through them though I would like to make a stop in each (Can't remember how many I've been in so far)

3) Do a multi-day hike to traverse a major park or trail (like the Sheltowee Trace trail)

4) Publish a book

5) The movie mentioned two questions that Ancient Egyptians believed they would be asked before entering heaven: Have you experienced joy in life? Has your life brought joy to others? I would certainly like to easily answer both of those in the affirmative before I die. Not just, did I experience a singular moment, or grant one moment of joy, but overall.

6) Drive a (race) car at ridiculous speeds (on a track).

So far that's what I've come up with.

The Things People Say

I'm reading a book on infertility (When Empty Arms Become A Heavy Burden, Glahn and Cutrer, 1997), and one of the chapters is about what to do when people say the wrong thing. To break the ice, it lists some of the "favorite" comments that the authors and others have heard, often along with either an interpretation of why the comment hurts, or what they wish they could say back. I haven't heard too many of these personally, though I think Luta might have. But I've gotten to the point where reading them is funny, even though if I were to hear them it would hurt.

The chapter broke the sayings into groups. Here are those from the "Miscarriage" category:

"You know it's for the best."

"The baby was probably deformed--this is nature's way of taking care of it."

* "You're young." *

"You can always have another."

* "At least you know you can get pregnant." *

"At least you never knew the baby. It would have been harder if it were five..."

What really made me laugh? When we first decided we needed to start seeing medical people about infertility, since it had been a year since we saw a doctor about our miscarriages, the nurse we saw said one of them verbatim. And she might have said another, and said some other things not on this list which were equally unhelpful, like "A year is just an average. It takes some people longer". Hers are marked with a *. Which is one of the reasons we aren't going back to that medical group anymore...

I Don't Get It

EMS brought another dead body to the hospital tonight. That's two in a week that I know of.

Someone finds a loved one in the house. They call 911: good idea! 911 sends an ambulance: good idea! The ambulance arrives to find that the person is without pulse, has been so for 10 or more minutes, and is gray, so they begin CPR, plug them full of meds, and zap them. Then EMS loads the person into the ambulance and races off, even though there has been no response: Um, waste of time idea? Then EMS arrives at the hospital, unloads the dead body (while still doing CPR and cramming every medication imaginable into it), and our ER staff calls a Code Blue and goes to work: Wait, I'm lost.

At this point they've been dead a half hour. Or more. What, exactly, are we trying to accomplish here? If God wanted this person revived, the ER staff is no better at performing miracles than the EMS were. That's up to God. So why exactly is one of the nurses standing over the body doing chest compressions? We knew they were dead on arrival...

Pointless Questions

I wondered tonight how many of the questions I ask people are pointless. As a chaplain, I have found that many of my questions seem to be pointless. The reasons may vary, but tonight I concluded that many questions I ask, to give myself some idea of what the situation may be, are pointless because people give me answers that are not true.

I'm not saying people lie to me, though of course that happens too. Tonight, I asked a family a question I often ask: is there anyone else coming in, any other family or friends? I think I've seen other people ask this too, including nurses and doctors. I do it so I can get an idea of what to expect: are you the only decision maker? Is your schedule the only one that matters? Are we waiting for someone to come before we contact the morgue or "withdraw care?"

So I asked: Is there any other family coming in? The response: No, we're it. We told the grandkids not to come up, and the in-laws can help us tomorrow. Then, 20 minutes later, another child of the patient shows up. With his wife. That would be, yes, two people, not none, who came later. Understandable then why I would give the nurse a confused look when she was about to usher them into an occupied waiting room, and why the son was confused as to why I was confused.

So why bother asking, I ask myself? Another pointless question, because I'll ask again next time, too.

Recursive Dreams

This morning I had a hard time waking up. I kept snoozing my alarm clock, and would struggle to wake up only to feel my eyes shut and I would fall back asleep. I sat up and picked up my Bible, to try and start my morning reading and start getting up that way. My eyes kept drooping, and I couldn't stay awake. It was just so hard to wake up!

Then I woke up. My Bible was where I had put it the night before. I was lying in bed with the covers pulled up.

In the midst of not being able to wake up, I had dreamt about not being able to wake up!

I remember thinking that the book I was reading wasn't familiar to me, "Memory" or something like that. But somehow my dream-thoughts tried to make sense of that.

There Should Be A Card For That: Word-less

I wanted you to know how much you are loved and cared for, and that I will do everything I can to support you. But I didn't know how to tell you, so I looked for a card that would say it for me.

This was the best I could find.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

There Should Be A Card For That: Fear

Fear creeps in like shadows,

   threatening to engulf with darkness

     everything

        you love

        you care about

        that matters

     you.

I'll bring a candle and stand with you

    against the darkness.

There Should Be A Card For That: Pain and Scars

It is not the painful experiences themselves that scar us, but rather it is going through those experiences alone. I want you to know, I have no intentions of leaving you to go through this alone.

There Should Be A Card For That: Silence

Words cannot express how I want to share your hurt and pain, your grief and sorrow, your anger and loss. So I'm going to be here in every other way I can, in silent companionship.

And if the day ever comes that you want to talk, to try and put into words what you're going through, I'll be here then, too.

There Should Be A Card For That: Broken Dreams

Life Isn't Fair (And That Sucks)

I heard that Life doesn't seem to be working out the way you had hoped, that you just found out that the dreams you had for yourself (for your family) won't come true. No one ever said life was fair, but I guess we always hope it will be. I wanted you to know that I'll be there with you in this, even just to sit with you in the ashes of your broken dreams.

Job 2:13 "Then they sat on the ground with [Job] for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was."

There Should Be A Card For That: Home Strife

Trouble at Home

Marriages are sacred, and so are the homes and families that they build. If only that meant they were easy, but as the trite saying goes "Nothing worth doing is easy." My heart breaks to hear that yours are in trouble. Know that I hope and pray in every way I can that you and yours are able to sort this out. Know that you aren't the first to go through this, and unfortunately not the last.

I hope you will let me help you find someone who's weathered the storm, so we can grow together and avoid other losses (or casualties? or hurts?).

There Should Be A Card For That: Bad Relationships

See The Pattern? (To a Woman)

You've said it before: "Why do all the guys I like end up treating me like this?" You'll probably say it again. And I wonder how long it will be before you wonder why you keeping choosing those guys. Sometimes the best thing to do to break a pattern, is to try something different.

So try this: Dump this guy before you get hurt.

See The Pattern? (To a Man)

You've said it before: "Why do all the girls I like end up treating me like this?" You'll probably say it again. And I wonder how long it will be before you wonder why you keeping choosing those ladies. Sometimes the best thing to do to break a pattern, is to try something different.

So try this: Dump this girl before you get hurt.

There Should Be A Card For That: Secrets

Secrets Can Be Deadly

Like an undiagnosed cancer, secrets can slowly kill you and your relationships without anyone knowing what's going on. Airing them out is sometimes the only cure. I can't promise an easy solution, but I can promise to be your friend, to listen, and to do whatever I can to help.

I also promise to help you find a good counselor. And that if I screw this up, I'll let you kick me where it counts.

There Should Be A Card For That: Abandoned

Life Handed Me Lemons

Sorry that Life has thrown me some serious lemons lately. I had hoped you would support me and help me make lemonade out of them, but I guess they were too tart for you.

Here's a glass, so we can drink to the end of our friendship.

There Should Be A Card For That: Perinatal Loss

Empty Arms

We anticipated sharing your joy, holding your baby, delighting in new life.
Instead we share your grief, and your empty arms, as we mourn unexpected death.

Galatians 6:2 "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

Cards that don't exist

Today one of the chaplains said something close to this:

We don't have rituals and hallmark cards for when someone finds out that life is not going to go the way that she or he had planned, hoped, or imagined.

She said it in talking about chronic illness, how it changes our future, forces us to create a "new normal," and in general takes away our dreams of the future. We have rituals for many life events and transitions: funerals, weddings, baby showers, wakes, birthday parties. And we have cards for those too. But we don't generally have rituals or cards for "Sorry life turned out to be a bummer. Sorry those pretty standard dreams got suddenly dashed."

So I posted that quote to Facebook, and concluded with my friends that someone should make cards for that. So on occasion, I may post something that there should be a card for. Sometimes it may just be the event, or sentiment. Sometimes it may be most of the card. Sometimes serious, sometimes snarky. But they will be things that I wonder, what would happen if someone got a card for that? What if someone actually could find that card to send to someone?

Pain and Scars

Luta and I watched a webinar earlier in the week on "Loving someone who is infertile." It was a talk from two ladies, one who struggled with infertility and her friend who helped her through it. One was a psychologist, and they've written a book on the subject. Mostly it was about what to say and not to say, what to do and not to do, and some of the special needs and struggles that women fighting infertility go through. One quote in particular struck me:

It's not physical or emotional pain that will scar her; it's going through that pain alone.

I think this is true of many painful situations, and part of my role as a chaplain is to help people not be as alone in the things they go through. But certain things are very hard to share, often because it doesn't seem socially acceptable to do so. Miscarriages and infertility seem to fall into that category, and therefore we have often felt alone as we have struggled through this process.

This morning on Post Secret I saw this:




I was surprised to run into such a similar sentiment so soon. And I was struck by how hard it is to bring up a secret and share it with someone, but how freeing it can be if I manage to find someone I can share with.

A Poem

I read this in The Journal of Pastoral Care & Counseling, and loved it. I have felt this way with some patients.

help yourself, lady (and forgive me for saying so)

by W. H. Shirk

she can't stop smoking

she can't lose weight

her lungs are rotten

her heart is rotten

she is too sick to operate on

and too sick to go home

her children have contempt for her

her husband is prone to strokes

her first husband beat her

I guess it's her placid smile

or her complacency or her

expectations that I or anyone else

can straighten out her crookedness

independent of any effort on her part

or maybe it's because she is my

tenth visit in a long afternoon

but God I am sick of this woman

bless her and please keep her

I have to go home now.

Money and Church Stances

This week I was chatting with a retired priest after we had visited a couple patients together. He commented on the state of the Catholic church, and said it seemed like it was going backwards at times. I asked what he meant, and he said in regards to social issues it just wasn't as vocal as it used to be. Sure, it used to speak out a lot about social injustice and poverty, but lately it was pretty silent. Except here in Louisville, lately the archbishop (I think) has decided to come out strongly against homosexual marriage. And the priest said, "Of all the things, why that?"

I said, "There's no money involved in it." He agreed. The church's stance on abortion is pretty well known, so it doesn't need to get all up in arms about that because it already is. But if we were to start getting vocal about climate change, fair trade, healthcare, humanitarian support, food programs, welfare... well, there's LOTS of capitalist interests in those. I'm not against capitalism, I think it can work (Better World Shopper and Firms of Endearment being some models I like). But when it comes to politics, I think a lot of what people are willing to talk about depends on where the money is. And when it comes to church voices, politics matter.

But what major businesses care about homosexual marriage? What multinational corporations will feel a pinch if suddenly we all put our money where are values are with this issue? As far as I know, pretty much none. So hey, let's yell about gay marriage! We can sound like we're active as a church, like we're in on the latest issues, like we care about morality! And other than ostracizing and hating a minority population, no one will get upset at us!

If on the other hand we start yammering loudly about the injustice of most trade systems and demand that we start support fairer trade, well, tons of people with tons of money will get mad. And then who will put the money in the offering plate?

I would have hoped after our current financial debacle blasted the economy of this country, we would have learned to not let money determine our morals and values. But maybe we haven't learned that lesson yet.

In Case of Emergency

Three times this week I called a church in order to get in touch with a minister. Each time, it was after hours. Three times this week, I was answered by machines. Three times, I was given an emergency number for just the situations I was in. Three times I called those emergency numbers, only to reach more answering machines. One time, I was called back the next day (nice, but a bit late given the surgery had long since been over). The other two, never called back.

Maybe the message should have been "In case of emergency, just leave a message here. We probably won't get to it until tomorrow when it's way too late to do you any good, but calling our emergency number has the exact same result, so please don't waste your time. We don't really care that much about your emergencies, so just calm down, and if you or your loved one dies before we get there, sorry. Hope purgatory isn't as bad as we've led you to believe! Guess you're screwed."

IF I ever am a pastor in a church (and that is a BIG "if"), I hope to leave an emergency contact number. And if I do, I plan on actually answering it.